When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
