so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
