Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
