I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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