We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
