alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
