weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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