So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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