i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
