It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
