Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
