i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She bit a glass in half.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
