the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
