: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
be right there i have to get my cape
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
