Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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