If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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