Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
