Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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