Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
