I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was born a porn star she said
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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