If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
