She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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