girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
