so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
