my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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