your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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