I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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