Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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