my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pants are for mortals
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
