and she was petting her beer can
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
