Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My ass is underappreciated
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
