im about as happy as oj after his trial
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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