They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dicks are not precious.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
