me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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