My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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