Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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