So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
