Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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