Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
