Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
