getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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