I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
