You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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