they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
