listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
