Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
