i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
