i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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