My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
