omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize