Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
