Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
