I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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