it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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