The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
