so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
