So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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