I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
