This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
